December, at times, is the worst month of the year for me. Sometimes I wish I could just skip it altogether. Which is completely ridiculous, because I really, really, really, love Christmas. I mean, really. I love this time of the year.
My mom loved Christmas, too. She decorated every nook and cranny. But as I got older, I discovered there was sadness at the root of her enthusiasm. She was overcompensating, as her mother did, to cope with unimaginable pain.
One of the first memories I have is of grief and loss - and sadness.
I remember being with my brother and hearing Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas” over and over again in the basement of our house on Augusta. I remember it vividly. He remembers it, too. I was five; he was seven. We were surrounded by sadness because my grandmother had died. It was December, 1980.
My mom was devastated. She lost her mother and best friend that day in December. She was 34. The same age I would be, years later, when I too would lose my mother; my best friend. Also on a day in December.
Christmas was always great at our house. My parents usually went all out. My mom was a thoughtful shopper, and always knew what we really wanted, even before we did. And we would somehow receive the perfect present, at the perfect time. I never understood why she didn’t really care what she got for Christmas. Until, of course, I had kids of my own.
I remember going to Frank’s Nursery and Crafts with my mom to buy decorations. I still have some of the green floral wire she bought there. She still had some with the price tag on it when we cleaned out her house.
I remember that we always went to the mall the day after Christmas, so she could take advantage of all the deals. Dodie was a bargain shopper if ever there was one. After she died, I found a few of her great finds. Closets full of them, in fact. 😊
I remember going as a family to the Christmas Tree farm, and it was always an event. That tradition ended the year my parents got divorced, and from that year forward, they never got a real tree again. I’m not sure why they both quit getting a real tree. I never thought to ask them.
I remember going to Mass on Christmas Eve and then going to our Aunt Karen and Uncle Terry’s house for a party. We did this every year. When it was time to go home, driving home that night through downtown Monroe, looking at the lights, looking up at the sky for Santa’s sleigh - it was magical.
And like every child, I was always so excited to get to sleep on Christmas Eve so Santa could come.
Friends that become family. I took it for granted as a child, but I cherish it today.
There is a whole gamut of emotions you go through when you lose your parents, or someone you love. Sometimes it’s easier to try to forget, and wish the memories away. Because memories can be beautiful, but also quite painful.
Sometimes I find myself crying at the most random things, but more often than not, I remember something special, and it makes me happy.
But even I get bummed out sometimes.
I wanted to share because I know I’m not alone. This is a hard time of year for a lot of people, and for a lot of reasons.
It’s okay to be sad when you think you should be happy.
And it’s okay to be happy, even when you may still be in pain.
Did you know, that it’s nearly impossible to be sad when you listen to The Beach Boys? At least it is for me. Their music is just so beautiful, soulful, and spiritual even, and it always brings me joy. ☀️
It’s true. Give it a try sometime. 😊
There’s a few lines from one of the songs on their Christmas album that I keep coming back to.
“It’s worth the wait the whole year through
Just to make happy someone like you
And I’ll never outgrow the thrill of Christmas Day.”
Just to make happy someone like you
And I’ll never outgrow the thrill of Christmas Day.”
It’s worth the wait the whole year through,
to make happy someone like you.
to make happy someone like you.
I think that’s how my mom felt.
She just wanted us to be happy.
And that’s what I try to do, too.
She just wanted us to be happy.
And that’s what I try to do, too.
Sending love to my family and friends. ❤️
And my sincere hope for us all, is that we never outgrow the thrill of Christmas Day. 🎄
